Mania

“You are so brave and quiet, I forget you are suffering.” -Ernest Hemingway

I’ve always been a balls to the wall person. I don’t have a grey area, I either do it as impeccable as I can or I refuse to do it at all. Being in a manic state, is when I get things  done. When I’m manic, my feelings are almost gone. I pay attention to only the moment and give my all to anything until I and only I am satisfied. When I’m manic, I have racing thoughts. I stress myself out about getting it all done because I never know when the mania will leave and my depression will invade my thoughts. I can go on almost no sleep.  I of course get irritable quickly because I run on no sleep at all. In my mind though I think I can do it all, and maybe at the moment I can, but eventually it’s like my mind betrays me. The problem with doing it all while manic, is that people think you’re thriving when in reality, it’s just a matter of time and I’ll need help. Help emotionally,  and help physically. I also am horrible at asking for help, because I feel like helping me isn’t and shouldn’t be anyone’s priority. I guess this feeling comes from the belief that we accept the love we think we deserve and for some reason I’ve got it in my head that I shouldn’t be a priority or someone worth holding on to. With medication and some therapy I hope to fully work through that. As for mania, I have the most energy when I’m manic, my feelings don’t get hurt that easily, I can be there for every single thing that my kids need me for, because I don’t need sleep. In conclusion, I know being Manic is not the best thing for a person, but I’m gonna miss that energizer bunny I would become. Super Mommy is what they called me.