Intense Intimate Trauma

 

“Stop telling yourself you can fix him. He’s been this way for a long, long time and he doesn’t intend to change. Don’t be a sacrificial lamb on the altar of his rage. Don’t play the martyr to his hate. You can never save someone by letting them destroy you. That’s not love, it’s relational suicide. Save yourself instead. Get out while there’s still time.”– John Mark Green

When we experience a traumatic event of any type, our body goes into physiological “survival mode”—a response which, if not completed and returned to normal regulation of the nervous system, can lead to emotional and physical intimacy issues.

The greatest heart break came, not from the actual betrayal, not from the actual affair, the biggest heart break I experienced came from trusting someone with all my being and watching them publicly destroy me.

The cheating accusations where always there, since day one. Now that I’m seeing my old life from the outside looking in, the red flags where obvious, however when your not wide awake and your blinded by love, you tend to ignore your instincts and push through, hoping this person will see their wrong and appreciate the love you have to offer. The basis for my daughter’s always being told by others and by their father that they aren’t his time and time again was built around the fact that he always told friends and family that I cheated, without any evidence without anything solid to back it up, just based off him simply wanting control, and not wanting to take responsibility for them. When you are doing to someone else the same thing you accuse them of, that is called deflection of responsibility. In his stories, all his exes cheated, poor man non of these girls where loyal. (remember we mentioned red flags, there’s your red flag.)

Triangulation, taunting and abuse started from the beginning, I just didn’t know what I was experiencing until I started therapy. When we first started dating, one minute things where fine and the next minute, I would get a call from him at work on an evening blowing up on me because he thought he had just seen me at a red light with a guy in my car, while I sat at the office of the dealership I worked at with my best friend, confused out of my mind because I had been there since 9 am and no where else. The intent would eventually surface. He made it a point to blame me for things he had no evidence of and frankly where made up to start fights so he could spend time with other females.

Then the taunting would start. He would wear other women’s rigs in front of me to make it a point I saw it on him. This particular girl, the owner of the ring and I ended up mending fences after my daughter was born through a Facebook message. She opened my eyes to the things he said about me to convince her that I was a bad person, so he could convince her that his betrayal with her was okay. She apologized for not knowing and has since remained a friend. I also later on found out that after my daughter was born in an effort to spite his daughter’s mother, he had an affair with his neighbor while him and I where together and my oldest daughter was months old. He would answer phone calls from her pretending it was her dad and he was calling to ask for his help with a job around their home, when in reality I learned later on, that it was her calling and they where setting up a time to meet to sleep with each other.

Fake accounts where created of not just me but of his exes, to anonymously send messages about the relationships he had with the different females. He would blame the messages on the exes, the exes would blame the messages on him. I was blamed for messages, it was a web of lies and children games. The messaging continued through out the years no matter how many times our numbers where changed, they began messaging my daughters and calling their phones also, it is sinister.

After the strangulation incident when I was pregnant with my daughter. The physical abuse subsided, however the emotional and mental abuse was turned up in heat. He taunted me after my daughter was born by telling me that his ex, the one he accused of the calls was asking his sister for pictures of my new baby. The same girl that left messages on my phone calling my older daughters bastards. It mind blew me, in many ways.

1. If all this was true and she was the problem, then why did himself and his family continue to expose my children to this person.
2. Who in their right mind and for what reason would anyone want a picture of my new baby if they despised us so much.

I decided that my hands where full, I needed to be all that I could be for the three little beings I now had in my care and taking care of a man and his ex problems wasn’t on my priority list. So I put it on the back burner and decided that as usual, I wouldn’t dig, I would try to just live and hopefully with maturity this would all just go away and we could call it a lesson. Little did I know I would be destroyed in the process.

The sexual harassment started early on. After every baby, in the time I wasn’t allowed to have sexual intercourse because my body needed time to heal from birth, he would post about how I refused to have sex, he would make jokes in front of friends and family about how I wouldn’t sleep with him and when they would point out I couldn’t he pointed out that I still owned hands and a mouth. Regardless of us having sex more often then most couples despite the fact that I was working a full time job and mothering 3 kids. Eventually as our girls got older he would harass them by telling them I wouldn’t sleep with him so he had to go masturbate, he would elaborate to them the porn he would watch while doing it, sometimes while on the phone with their friends. In his eyes it was my fault, I was his partner, the mother of his children and it was my responsibility to satisfy him when he wanted it, or else the abuse would rage on. I worked nights and one day I came downstairs after sleeping in the morning at 2pm to find him masturbating to porn on the computer while our 2 year old daughter intently watched Rio in the same living room. I understand that as humans we have needs, however there is an appropriate time and place for everything and in the living room where our 2 year old watched her movie was not the place or the time.

It left me in fear, I stopped to analyze the situation and convinced myself that maybe, I could just give more, maybe this could also be resolved in some way. So I increased the sex life, he wanted us to make sex videos, I figured he’s my partner, if I can’t trust anyone else, who can I trust. This mentality is a dangerous one.

After my son was born, the cheating accusation grew more and more. Anytime he fell short, anytime he lost a job because he didn’t show up, anytime we lost a home because he didn’t contribute, anytime he had a car taken away for a suspended license, anytime he worked a job and came up on crazy overtime that he never got paid for, the cheating accusations increased more and more. He would go through my phone and I knew it and allowed it because I was always trying to prove that I was faithful, always blaming myself, believing what he was telling me. He then couldn’t find evidence of cheating so he would go through my messages with friends and then judge them for their conversations with me or throw conversations with me discussed over text in their face. Friends stopped coming around and messaging me, when I changed the password to my phone because I desperately needed friend time, and interaction and messaging them now felt unsafe, he threw a fit and told my girls I did it cause I was cheating. When my friend text me an “I’m home now babe.” because she had been out on a date with a new guy, he took my phone, left the house and told my kids and my mom that I was cheating, took his stuff and did his best to make me feel guilty, even after I proved it was her messaging me. He would message my close friends and tell them that I was cheating. I’m grateful for the few of them that stood up for me and didn’t continue with the game. He would tell my daughter’s that every time I was on my phone, I was cheating, that every time I left for work, I was cheating. He would harass me so much about work, that I would have to post pictures or snap chats of me there to prove I was at work. He would text me requesting nudes while I was at work and when I’d say I was too busy and too uncomfortable to do it, he would accuse me of cheating again. It murdered the relationship, intimacy became a chore because I felt harassed. I yearned for real intimacy, not the kind I had to repeatedly prove myself to.

After I lost my job, I took some time off on disability to care for my mental health, however there was still always income from me coming into the home. He started insisting we create a premium snap chat with our sex videos, he insisted couples made a lot of money that way and it could help us financially. I heard it, but rejected the idea simply because although the financial struggle was there, I wasn’t sure I could ever be alright with my kids knowing it when they get older. As the time went by, he mentioned it multiple times and I dismissed it, not in a harsh way, just brushed it off, I think I was shielding myself from the pain that after all I was giving for this man, he still required more. I had upped the sexual game years before but sex evolved after the premium snap chat mention. He wanted to film every encounter this time. I already anticipated the time he would want to do it and it gave me anxiety, my instincts where telling me that something felt off.

One day while sitting at home, I get an anonymous private message from a fake account on Instagram, with no picture, and what looked like the alphabet for a name with a picture of my nudes with “happy hour” props photo shopped to the picture, along with a picture of my 3 daughter’s Instagram saying that if I didn’t send more nudes, they would send my nudes to my daughter’s and force them to send some of them or mine would be leaked.

I can not begin to tell you the amount of hurt, disappointment and rage that entered my being. I immediately threatened the account, reported it, went through all of my daughter’s accounts and spoke to them about online safety and ignoring messages and not talking to strangers etc. All I did was look at him and tell him, “I know what the fuck you did, take it the hell down.” My realization hit me, that’s why the increase in filming, that’s why the insistence on convincing me a premium snap chat was the thing to do, because he had taken it upon himself to do it anyway regardless of my consent and in the process, he put my girls at risk. I tried my hardest to continue the relationship normally after this incident but the little bit of trust that was left was so deeply violated that it left me paralyzed intimately.  I soon after told him I could no longer see myself being intimate with him and for that I’d have to end the marriage. He insisted that it wasn’t done as a way to degrade me but simply as income, but he would remove it and work on our intimacy. Instead, he began having a relationship with a new woman, while in the 4 walls of our home telling my children and I he was trying to be a better person for us. He lied to her and told her even though he was in the home, the betrayal was warranted because I was doing my own thing (dating), which I wasn’t I was healing. I was doing therapy groups and classes, doing individual therapy, and working with my psychiatrist because she was insistent that she didn’t believe my bipolar diagnosis was accurate, I am grateful now for her questioning it,  reconnecting with friends, because his betrayal left me shattered and lonely, seeking love from anywhere I could grab it, and eventually surprisingly, thanks to a recommendation to him from a family friend that remained friends with him, I threw myself into my new religion and my new church, I tried my best to grab hold of anything and anyone that could help heal my shattered soul.

He would go in my purse and steal money I had for my kids to purchase shoes for his new supply, to the point I had none left to supply myself with the vitamins I needed for my weight loss surgery recovery. When I became severely anemic from the vitamin deficiency and my body started busing, he lied to his new supply and told her, I sneak out at night and came home to my kids full of hickeys. That never happened and I’m glad my girls got to see the messages of his lies and see that, that isn’t their Mommy because not even withing the marriage would I come home to them with hickeys. After everything exploded, I had old high school friends message me on social media and tell me that there where fake social media sites created of me to advertise the premium snap chats and he had sent them screenshots of them or showed them. I had friends message and tell me that they knew about the new girl but justified it because he lied to them and told them I had created the accounts that I now believe where only created to advertised the paid snap chats. I am grateful to have angels on my side that look out for me even when I don’t know what to look for.

After speaking to his new supply, I confirmed what evil lurked in the home my kids and I where staying in. He told her I knew about her and was fine with it because I was doing my own thing. Yet he was cropping and sending her messages between him and I and cutting off the part he sent to her where he denies her to me. He would tell me he was working while at her house. He would call me from her house and tell me how the job he was working on where just him and 1 more guy and it was so unorganized he couldn’t wait to get done to come home.  The amount of work put into lying was surreal.

A man that is only out for his own well being, will end you, break you and try his best to leave you and empty vessel, if that means him not having to take responsibility for his actions. You can justify a wrong doing all you want. Let’s stop with the sugar coating already. Only 2 people know what happens in their 4 walls. A man that is in his families home and refuses to leave, not for the kids but to harass his wife about more time, more sex, more money, and is lying in the process is called a betrayal Period! Screenshots Attached.

Did I say multiple times that it was over? I was afraid of being intimate again with  a person that never respected my boundaries, and publicly humiliated me and put me in a situation where I feared my daughters purity being taken. So yes, I was hurt and setting boundaries. Did he have the right to move on? yes had he been honest and said he didn’t want to face the damage he caused to our family, however the right thing to do was to be honest, not lie and pretend to be invested, and leave the home so he didn’t disrespect myself and our children. I think the pain left behind was enough, this was salt on a wound.

 

“and after everything you’ve done, I can thank you for how strong I have become…”

 

 

Post Partum Depression III; Stay with me Breath

 

People would always say, “I would never let anyone treat me like that.” They don’t realize abuse is not always just physical or outright verbal. Some abuse is more insidious and starts out slow, with continuous small indiscretions, until they program you to accept their bad behaviors. It’s punishing you with emotional distance, and making you feel unworthy, it’s slowly ignoring your wants and needs, making you feel unloved or unimportant. It’s a progressive manipulation, where you ultimately find yourself, wondering how you even got in that position.

When I started to write down what I would talk about in this post sometime last year. The facts and trauma that came up from the memories, are what pushed me, to find my faith again and get therapy for myself and my kids. This post helped me see how much help we really needed.

My youngest daughter Lydia was 5 years old when I found out I was pregnant for the third time. Like my two other girls, it was an unplanned pregnancy while on birth control. My girl’s father and I were living together. I was able to work 2, sometimes 3 different jobs at one point to get a home for my girls and I, I was fortunate to have family close by to help with the girls while I focused on getting us a home. It was small, not pricy, but it was new, it was clean and it was home. Eventually after a few discards and triangulations from their dad, things seemed to get better. I mean there was always devaluing, aggression and toxicity there but as any other abusive relationship, not all times were bad. He moved in, I fought it, Lord knows I fought it, but soon I would find out that my mistake was letting him step foot in the door to begin with. Once someone leaves a toothbrush on your property, and you’ve had involvement with them, they can claim it unless you go through the legal system to get them removed. I learned that, the hard way, Love makes us do crazy things.

Things were tolerable in the relationship. Life in general was about to knock me on my ass. My support system crumbled right before my eyes. My parents went through an ugly divorce, cousins that helped and cared for us moved away to find different roads of freedom for their family financially, and my Grandfather, the one who never faltered and my one reliable Father figure in life passed away. All in the span of about 3 years.

When I found out I was pregnant with my princess, I was healing life had taken me for a spin, I was also job hunting I was laid off and then 2 weeks later I found out I was pregnant! Oh yeah and it was twins! Fear set in instantly, I AM the head of household, there was a man by my side but I understood that jobs where hard to find and hard to keep for him. Why I stayed? I never understood myself until recently. Back to my worries for now. I am the head of household, and there is no way I am getting hired anywhere 4 months pregnant, plus I was so sick this pregnancy that I had 3 visits to the hospital for fluid intake because I couldn’t keep anything down. On top of that, my other two pregnancies had been so lonely that I didn’t look forward to feeling that vulnerable again. When my husband found out he was content. He had wanted us to try for another baby, he said he wanted us to have a good pregnancy together for a change, that just didn’t convince me though. When they told me I was pregnant, I was so scared I cried, I cried and I called my grandma. She was so happy to hear there was a baby coming, that her joy helped me see past the fear and realize how awesome this gift was. Oh yeah the twins, we went back for a third visit and the other twin had vanished. Only our princess remained, I never thought I would fear that she would slip through my fingers too.

After trying to find work and failing, I decided to go back to school. My husband was working somewhat and I was receiving unemployment and later disability so I decided at 7 months into my pregnancy to wait it out until after our daughter was born to look for work, and I started school. Then it began again, my husband was working massive amounts of overtime supposedly but never getting paid for it. It was always one excuse or another. “Oh they messed up on my check but they’re gonna pay me next week.” Then he started sending me love chain letters through texts with the numbers of other girls and names attached to the messages when forwarded, when I questioned him, he said it was his sister, but I wasn’t buying it. One late night when he got home from work, I confronted him because I found out he hadn’t been at work, my girls where sleeping in the other room, (or so I thought, I found out a few days ago they sadly where not). In that moment for the second time since our relationship started, he got so upset at me, that he choked me. This was the second time this had happened, the first time I didn’t fight back, I was in so much shock that any man would do that to me. After the shock passed, it broke me and in my broken moment, I went back to the abuser and now I found myself in the same exact situation but this time 7 months pregnant and with a little being inside of me to protect.

He pinned me against the wall by the throat with both hands until I couldn’t breath, when he let go and I tried to get up, he got in my face and screamed “hit me” “hit me” multiple times, and when I tell you that as soon as my breath stabilized I threw hands, I sure as hell threw hands. He came for my baby! If I can’t breath and she’s inside of me, she can’t breath. I threw hands until I couldn’t throw hands anymore and I ran downstairs to run to my Mom’s house that lived a few doors down at the time. When I ran downstairs, he threw me back in and slammed the door on my foot, my bottom hit the floor hard. He eventually left and I called the police. They came and because I had hit too, they were allowing us to remain in separate homes for the night. I argued that I had set up that home for my girls and I, and I paid for it, that’s when I learned, I had messed up from the beginning by allowing him to stay there, because I had my mom’s house to sleep in, he got to stay in my home with my girls and I had to sleep at my mom’s. Either way, I was glad to be away from him. In the morning, he started blowing up my phone with apologies, when I ignored it, he had my girls call me and tell me to come home and ask me why I had left them. I didn’t want to tell my girls what actually happened, they were so little, I didn’t want to damage them. My oldest daughter told me a few days ago that I didn’t have to say anything, they saw it all, then ran to their room an pretended to be asleep. Lydia was still little and she was attached to him so my heart ached when she would call me and tell me to come home. I let my girls go to school, I took myself on my own to the ER because my hips where in pain and I was spotting. I can not explain to you the feeling of relief when I heard my little girl seemed to be doing good. I sat in my car after that and I analyzed my situation. Lydia was the one that was the closests to my grandfather when he passed away and she took it so hard, and she was on the phone, begging me to come home and make her world whole again. On the other hand, he had put my little girl in danger, although, if I kept quiet she wouldn’t know that ever. Lydia would get what I thought she needed at the time, Abbey would come to the world with both her parents. He was making me feel guilty because I threw hands too, so that weighed heavy on me, I blamed myself. How did I allow myself to get to that point with someone I love. So, I decided to go home, by the time our girls got home from school, I was back home. I decided that if I was good, if I picked my battles, if I text and not talk maybe it could keep the temperament in our relationship down. Something in me activated that day though, my fight or flight mode was on, he may have hurt me, but I would defend my kids from him at all costs. I was there, even if just to defend my kids.

It’s crazy the way the abused mind works, I know now that nothing I did warranted what I was put through. I know now that keeping quiet or being good wouldn’t work because children aren’t born knowing that so at some point they would fall out of his line and problems will arise, I did promise myself to defend them from him at all costs. I know now that when defending your children all is fair, I know now that love doesn’t hurt and manipulate. The problem with my solution of enduring the abuse much longer was the abuse eventually hit my kids and it left me helpless. He would call the kids liars to cover up what he was doing. He would get upset at my girls and slap them and I would get frantic calls at work, our son was born with a cyclic vomiting syndrome, caused by migraines that are caused by anxiety, and everytime I was at work and my son would wake up with an episode, he would yell at him and call him a fucken idiot for throwing up when he couldn’t help it. When my daughters told me, I questioned him and he denied it, it took me hearing it while on the phone with them at work to believe it. When he started cheating, he excluded our daughter Abbey because she is older and more aware and she cried because she missed her daddy with him right in the same house. When she came to me and told me he told them not to call him while on trips with other women and I questioned him, he said she was lying on speaker phone and the look of disappointment and confusion in my little girls face broke my soul. When he would get upset at Lydia, he would call her a failure. When Hailee was cutting herself to feel something because of the abuse we were enduring and I found out and talked to her about it, he came out and gave her a knife and told her to cut herself right now. When Hailee called the suicide hotline a few years later, he went to the school and in front of staff screamed at her and told her that why was she calling them when there where people out there that really needed help. It left me, with the school districts down my back, multiple CPS calls because of his treatment of the children, multiple unknown abuse to my children that is now surfacing and now years of healing.

I am left with the task of repairing the damage, made not just to me but to them. Recently when my daughters called him out on his lies again, he stole money from them, took their little bit of belongings he had left and discarded them. My son has trouble respecting girls because he has seen his father get violent with his 16 year old daughter. He’s witnessed his dad call his Mom a bitch and then get in his sisters face and scream hit me until she swings.

Staying quiet and thinking maybe I’ll just change was not my answer. It turned me ugly, I blamed myself for throwing hands when he offended or got violent with my kids, and he fed off that guilt. The abuse continued always, always changing form, always evolving. A wise woman that is now helping me with my recovery, told me when I was feeling extremely defeated. You did what you had to do to protect your kids, when protecting your kids, all is fair. My tired soul thanks her.

As for my safety, my faith is strong and with more healing,  and my amazing team of therapists I hope to heal the broken pieces of what was left. I no longer negotiate with terrorists. I prefer to do it all through the legal system now. I will never remain quiet again because in order for my kids to remain safe, I need eyes that love them helping me watch over them. With time comes healing.

The Awakening

 

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trust, always hopes, always preserves.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.

*the above verse was read at my wedding

Gaslighting definition: Gaslighting is used to describe abusive behavior, specifically when an abuser manipulates information in such a was as to make a victim question his or her sanity. Gaslighting intentionally makes someone doubt their memories or perception of reality.

Triangulation (in relationship) definition: refers to a form of splitting in which one person manipulates a relationship between two parties by controlling communication between them. Triangulation may manifest itself as a manipulative device to engineer rivalry between two people, known as divide and conquer of playing one (person) against another.

 

Even the most confident mind can be broken down when gaslighted combined with empathy and love for another human being, gaslighting can be emotionally destroying to a person, and in my case it was.

My questions to myself:

• How could I be so naive?
• How could I not have known?
• Why didn’t I speak up sooner?
• Why didn’t I look into my suspicions sooner?
• How could I let it go on so long
• How and why did I, let it destroy myself and my children

My only answer at the moment, is that I’m learning, I’m awake now, I know better now.

It’s crazy what this form of abuse does inside of you, I mean I’ve heard and have even seen others go through it in the past, I’m not the only one that has ever gone through this and won’t be the last, but hearing it, seeing it and reading it, are completely different then feeling it. It leaves you afraid to trust in anyone, not knowing who your people are anymore because of so much bogus stupidity and lies that were said about you. In the beginning, it leaves you questioning your sanity, there are years of beautiful memories lost in my brain that I can’t access because it left me unsure of what was true. When you’ve been physically, emotionally and spiritually abused and that person never owns up to it, acknowledges it, let alone apologizes for it and even denies it and they are supposed to be the person that Loves you, it leaves you unbalanced. Love mixed with manipulation is poison. However, I am learning that I don’t need that apology, acknowledgement or anything else to feel that balance, in the darkest of times sometimes you see the light, and that’s exactly what happened.

For years I was made out to look like I was crazy, I was a cheater, I was lazy, and God only knows what else. I had females coming at me, with personal attacks that only my circle would know so I started distrusting people, being distant with friends, and eventually friends would get distant with me. In my awakening I learned that the person that meant me harm was in my home the whole time. Talking to other females about me so they could see me in some type of way and hate me, telling them lies that I was crazy and wouldn’t leave him alone. So these women would come for me thinking they were defending this poor innocent man from a psycho. Friends were targeted and made to believe all kinds of lies so they could condone and hide his wrong doings. There was a set up fight between my Mom and I. It was a constant bating of me against other people and other people against me, it left me confused unsure of anything. I was even diagnosed bipolar and was put on bipolar medication, this was before therapy just on medication. I couldn’t attend therapy sessions because if I did, I would get harrassed and my daughters would get told I was out cheating, this also occurred when I went to work and unfortunately, I worked a lot to supplement both incomes. It puts you in this constant state of fight or flight, that it destroys your inner peace. I blame myself at times for not leaving sooner and letting it affect my children so much, but after watching him degrade them, steal from them, and then discard them for calling him out on his truth. It made me grateful that they are now emotionally strong enough to withstand what he has always done to both of them. The minute he denied them and allowed others to do so, I knew that I needed to equip them with the strength to withstand the storm. I didn’t bring my girls into adult mess, he did, I simply gave them the power to finally defend themselves from people that seek to destroy them. I don’t want my daughters to go through this, and they were seeing a mother that was allowing the abuse and they were learning to accept it also. Their perception of love was being tarnished, and I don’t want that for my children, I want them to find love, real love. The kind that is patient, the kind that is Kind, even in anger. My biggest regret that I too let it turn me ugly, I allowed it to get a reaction out of me because that’s exactly what the purpose of it all was, to always get a reaction out of me. He would lie about where he was and would go out with mutual friends and then tell them that I was crazy for blowing up his phone. He would mess around with other females and have them/him/who knows who anonymously call me and hint out to me what he was doing. There were fake social media profiles of me of all kinds made up to lie to friends and family. He would talk to other females and bate me for a conversation, to screenshot only to crop or leave out the parts where he was lying and make me look crazy. To those Queens who fixed my crown without telling the world it was croquet and opened my eyes to my new reality, you are part of women empowerment and my self worth thanks you.

The good so far that has come out of this. They helped me prove to myself that I wasn’t perceiving, I wasn’t crazy and I deserve real love. Real love isn’t perfect, it makes mistakes and it takes two people learning each other. Real love however doesn’t purposely hurt, doesn’t purposely destroy, doesn’t seek to belittle. Years ago, I lost faith in real love, I was unsure if it existed, in this time, I was also away from my faith because faith and attending church was a problem for him too. It left my soul lonely, unloved. In my storm, I turned to my higher power and he has shown me his love, and so although certain things in life happen that can break you, you can either allow them to or you can grow from them, I chose to grow. I chose to accept that although loved incorrectly by someone, my children and I deserve to be loved correctly. In healing we will grow.

I have been criticized for finally bringing it all to light and speaking the truth. I’ve been called unloyal, lazy, and many other things. To that I say, I can’t hear you, I’m in the arena and you’re too far, come tell me when you’re in here?

“I don’t know what is supposed to rise from all of these ashes, but I suspect it’s going to be me.” – Kristina Mahr

“I hope you find your peace, falling on your knees, prayin’…

 

 

 

Breaking the Silence

I realize I haven’t written in a while. So today I’m breaking the silence. I will in a later post continue to write about what I’ve experienced in my jorney of learning about my mental health, however because I myself am writing it and seeing what I’ve been through in my life in print for the first time. My heart, my soul, and my mind are taking some time to deal with the hurt. To mourn who I was and who I am becoming, by working through my past. I appreciate everyone that takes the time to read my words and hear my story and for that, I owe myself and my readers, my writing with a clear mind. My family has been going through a hard time at the moment, and at times (even though I try not to) I find myself placing the blame in wrong places and for that, I’ve put a stop to telling the story of my life until my heart and mind are calm enough to try and see the whole situation and I don’t come off as angry and irrational. Despite the very difficult time, I’ve leaned on my faith and have been able to see the good in life lately. I’m learning and have started meditating, so my mind feels healthy. On December 6th 2018, I had weight loss surgery and have lost over 50 pounds, so my body has felt healthy also. As for my mental health, I’m learning as I go. I have bad days (that thankfully lately I’ve been able to pull myself out of before the day is over) it wasn’t always that way. I also still have days where I feel invincible, I can do it all, I can endure it all, and I can make it all happen. It’s a rollercoaster of emotions. So all I have left is to hold on, try to make sense of the ride and enjoy as much as I can.

 

Postpartum Depression II

“If you have been brutally broken but still have the courage to be gentle to other living beings, Than you’re a badass with a heart of an angel.” -Keanu Reeves

This has been the blog post that I have had the worst time putting out there. Not because I’m scared. I’ve been to places in my mind that makes it impossible to fear others. More because this is the first time I write about this time in my life. I’ve never seen it in print.

When I was 20, after my daughter’s father had left us.  I was of course not in the best place emotionally. I blamed myself for him cheating on me and leaving us, even after I had genuinely forgave him. About 2 months after he left and cut all communication with me. Regardless of whether he saw our daughter or not. From the moment he moved out of our apartment, My daughter Hailee only saw her dad again 2 months after her younger sister was born.

When I found out I was pregnant, my stomach plummeted, how can I bring another little being into this life? to a father that could careless about both her and her older sister? How would I hide and prevent them from hearing (their)/his familie’s tongue lashing against Hailee? after all, they still told everyone they could that she wasn’t her dad’s. When I found out about my pregnancy. I tried to contact their father, but like I said he never answered. I left him a voice message to let him know, and still no reply. I eventually contacted his sister and delivered an ultrasound picture to her for him to keep. Still, never an answer. I would later find out that he was dating a cousin’s sister-in-law, and that relationship there was the worst thing he could have done. I stopped trying to contact him, because I got the point. He was dodging his responsibility to our girls. Eventually, he says a conversation with himself and that girl took place, (the girl he was dating) he expressed to her that he still loved me. I have an idea why this girl felt so threatened, I’m positive it is because she is insecure . ( I say girl because no real woman would act in such a way.) She got a hold of my phone number which later my girl’s father told me that she got it off of his cell phone. She began to call me, from restricted numbers or numbers that where unavailable. Not just call me, but harassed me. I was in school and doing my internship, and every time I checked my phone, I had about 65 missed calls and 25 voice mails. In the voice mails, she would say that I should be jealous of her because my daughter’s father married her already. That my daughter’s where bastards, and that his family and everyone knew it. She said, that I now looked hideous, that my body was gross and flabby and covered in stretch marks and that’s why he left me. She called my dad a coke head. She sent threatening letters to my home, about how someone would harm my daughter.  Every time she called, I was ready to answer her calls to give her a piece of my mind, but she would call over and over and every time I answered her, she hung up. I was already going through way too much to play games with her. I actually had a little being that needed me. Unlike her, I had to grow up fast and I didn’t recent it because it was for my daughter’s. All of this however didn’t help my mental health. One day, I was sitting at the DMV waiting to be called (I had my identity stolen at the age of 19.) I had endless driving tickets that weren’t mine to take care of because I needed my license to always be active, it was what fed my girls and I. An older gentleman approached me and said, “I see your tired soul, just know, that he is with you and that all will be fine.” It was exactly what I needed, that boost to keep me going for my unborn baby and for my daughter. I finished school, and walked the stage 2 weeks before I delivered my second daughter worked 2 jobs, got our own place and was paying for my car. Then, I delivered my second daughter. It’s crazy because my mind was in such a haze then that there are many things I can’t remember no matter how much I try. My beautiful girl asked a while back, why there wasn’t a lot of pictures of her when she was a baby, and I blame myself, but I was so broken that all I could do was just exist, but the memories of her as a baby and her as a little girl, I keep close to my soul. After her delivery, I had a major depressive episode. I fed my girls, made sure they were taken care of and then cry by myself for hours on the couch. My dad has always had a sixth sense when it comes to my mental health. He felt what I was going through and he and my mom, decided to send the girls and I to my grandma’s. They thought it would be good if I had a change of scenery. They where right, being with family pulled me out of my depression. I wanted to live again, there was hope. I however had to eventually leave and get back to work for the girl’s and I. I was terrified, I didn’t want to come back and fall into that state of mind again. Soon after, I would learn that their father’s family was once again denying my baby, I can’t just blame his family either, he was there, he’s an adult why didn’t he stand up for them? it was questions that filled up my mind. The night I arrived from my grandmother’s house in Kansas, their father contacted me to meet our new daughter and to see how they both where. I took both girls to see him at a local burger place. Hailee remembered him leaving and wanted nothing to do with him, Lydia was only two months. He now wanted to be a part of their lives and I didn’t have the heart to deny him that… Little did I know the huge roller coaster ride I had just thrown on myself.

To be continued…..

Lydia: “In my daughter’s eyes, I am a hero, I am strong and wise, and I know no fear, But the truth is plain to see, She was sent to rescue me. I see who I want to be, In my daughter’s eyes.

 

Postpartum Depression I

“Mothers cannot give from a depleted source. Every mother needs emotional, mental, physical and spiritual validation, nourishment and support. When a mother is respected and well cared for, she, and her whole family, will benefit.”

I think this has been the post I’ve mostly put off. There is a lot of things that happened, that it scares me a bit to see it typed out. This was a time for me where I didn’t know how strong I could be until I had no other choice.

When my first daughter was born, I was 19. I instantly fell in love with the idea of having a little person of my own, so I wouldn’t feel so lonely. My pregnancy wasn’t planned or meant “to trap” anyone. I used every method possible to prevent from becoming pregnant, but nonetheless she came and she brightened my world. Soon after I gave birth to her, her and I  had a bit of trouble breast-feeding. I eventually started feeling as if I wasn’t worthy enough of being her Mom. She was so sweet and hardly ever gave me trouble. 2 weeks after birth she started having some respiratory problems. After fighting with every Dr. possible, we got an RSV diagnosis. My mind, being what it is, also blamed me.

Before she was born, I dealt with all my in-laws, and friends of in-laws tell everyone I knew and everyone that they knew, and basically anyone who cared to hear, that I had “trapped” my child’s father by getting pregnant with my daughter, and that my daughter was probably not even his. I think that their rumors, made me feel horrible not for myself but for my daughter because I knew that one day this would affect her. I eventually decided to work things out with her father having faith that the rumors would all just go away. I was still suffering from postpartum depression but would fill my time with as much work as I could. I eventually had a huge blow out with my mom because my parents didn’t agree with letting my daughter see her father because of all the shit they where talking and lying about. I felt like it was unfair for my daughter to be away from her father. So I was then kicked out of my parents house. I stayed with a friend for a day and then moved into my in-laws house with their father. My in-laws, eventually told us they didn’t want us there so we had to leave. I then decided to rent our own apartment with her dad. That apartment I would eventually loose. Her father was so attached to his family, that even though my daughter was his and he knew it, I wasn’t getting any support from him. I was working, going to school and coming home to my little girl just in time to watch the 11pm teletubbies. After a huge fight and her father not coming home, eventually he left. I also blamed myself. Now, I wasn’t just suffering from postpartum disorder but I also felt completely alone, but I had her, and she helped that loneliness. I decided that her and I would do it alone and we would succeed, because regardless of what her family said and thought, I knew we had a heart of gold and that, no one could touch. About 2 months after all this, I would find out that I was pregnant again with my second child, of course from my same first child’s father.

To be continued…….

To: Hailee

“Yeah I know sometimes things may not always make sense to you right now. But hey, what’d Momma always tell you? Straighten up, little soldier, stiffen up that upper lip! What you cryin’ about? You got me.

Self Harm

“I lay in bed at night, thinking about every possible thing, I fucked up today.”

I think everyone that self harms, remembers the first time they cut. I can’t remember the exact day. I was sixteen, and it was on my wrist with a razor blade I removed from a razor. The feeling at the time was of relief, relief to feel something because for sometime I had felt numb. It proved to me that I was human after all and that everything I was going through was real. At the time, my cousin, my best friend since birth was killed, I was raped and harassed by an old boyfriend, when I stopped contact with him because of what he did to me, he stalked me and even got violent with me.  I was also in a car accident that totaled my car. All of this within a years span. I thankfully was already in therapy, maybe not the best therapy but Lord knows that little bit saved me. I eventually forgot about cutting and moved on to picking my cuticles till they bleed, biting every one of my finger nails so short that they hurt even to shower. I pull out my hair without knowing. I scratch until I welt. I pick at scabs over and over until I bleed. I thought back then when I gave up cutting, that I was done with self harming. Little did I know that I was subconsciously still doing it but in a different forms. The positive is now knowing because if I’m attentive enough, maybe I can remind myself not to do it. The problem is, sometimes you just want to feel alive.

Debilitating Perturbation

“And all of a sudden I felt really tired. Like the world had drained me for everything that I had.” (bgt)

Everyone has some anxiety in one way or another. The college student that is in finales will most likely have anxiety and nervousness about her/his upcoming tests. The first day of a new job or the first day of school may cause most people to have anxiety. That type of anxiety is healthy, it keeps us going and gives us a sense of accomplishment when done. Debilitating Anxiety however, isn’t healthy. I can only tell you how I experience debilitating anxiety. Physically, my hands and feet sweat puddles, my feet will literally slide of my sandal from them sweating. I get flushed, my heart beats a million miles an hour, I start to feel like my whole body is over heating, I get migraines from anxiety, sometimes my body aches for no reason. Mentally, If I’m not busy, my mind starts over thinking,over analyzing. My thoughts become dark and not to tear anyone apart in any way, only to tear me apart. The darkness in my brain engulfs me with thoughts of not being worthy, my mind forgave the people who left my side, but it never forgave me for what my mind was telling me, which was that I must have done something or something in me wasn’t worthy of them staying. Simple things cause anxiety for me, making calls and talking on the phone gives me anxiety, meeting new people gives me anxiety. My anxiety is debilitating at times in so many ways. It has such a power to affect the ones I love. I’m hoping to one day fully mend the pain that my anxiety has caused myself and my loved ones. For now, I’m trying to enjoy the journey of finally putting my mental health first. Self Care is one thing in my life that won’t be put on the back burner again.

Black Despair

“You wake up every morning to fight the demons that left you so tired the night before, and that, my love, is bravery.”

I think I remember my first depressive episode happening in my early 20’s. I had gone through so much already at that age that honestly I’m not surprised I didn’t end up in a long term hospital because I lost my shit (please excuse my language, I come from a very blunt family so I feel like if I can’t be myself in my blog, if I can’t write it like I think it,  it will be difficult to get to know me, so I embrace who I am.) I however of course was still majorly depressed, so I did what I normally now do and sleep, I slept what felt like days. At the time however I already had my first daughter and it was just her and I against the world. I vaguely remember her and I sleeping a lot, I remember getting up for work everyday, making sure she ate and was clean and then, it was like my mind turned off, I would end up sleeping with her for hours. Till this day I feel guilty and it breaks my heart to know that in some way or another she is affected by it. However being so young and coming from a family that knew, nor taught anything about mental illness, I was so hard on myself, I retraced step by step every single thing I thought I did wrong or anytime I hurt a family member with an outburst (caused from keeping quiet so I wouldn’t upset anyone.) I didn’t just retrace it but I would beat myself up about it. I blamed myself for people who walked all over me and left me to pick up the pieces. I was and still am my worst critic. I am now learning however that I can’t continue to make excuses and blame myself for a handful of people that have chosen to walk out of my life. I also need to let go of the idea that when I hit a depressive state, I’m being a horrible mother, I hope my kids understand that on some days  Mommy only did her best because her mind was so engulfed in darkness that in that moment that’s all she could give.

Mania

“You are so brave and quiet, I forget you are suffering.” -Ernest Hemingway

I’ve always been a balls to the wall person. I don’t have a grey area, I either do it as impeccable as I can or I refuse to do it at all. Being in a manic state, is when I get things  done. When I’m manic, my feelings are almost gone. I pay attention to only the moment and give my all to anything until I and only I am satisfied. When I’m manic, I have racing thoughts. I stress myself out about getting it all done because I never know when the mania will leave and my depression will invade my thoughts. I can go on almost no sleep.  I of course get irritable quickly because I run on no sleep at all. In my mind though I think I can do it all, and maybe at the moment I can, but eventually it’s like my mind betrays me. The problem with doing it all while manic, is that people think you’re thriving when in reality, it’s just a matter of time and I’ll need help. Help emotionally,  and help physically. I also am horrible at asking for help, because I feel like helping me isn’t and shouldn’t be anyone’s priority. I guess this feeling comes from the belief that we accept the love we think we deserve and for some reason I’ve got it in my head that I shouldn’t be a priority or someone worth holding on to. With medication and some therapy I hope to fully work through that. As for mania, I have the most energy when I’m manic, my feelings don’t get hurt that easily, I can be there for every single thing that my kids need me for, because I don’t need sleep. In conclusion, I know being Manic is not the best thing for a person, but I’m gonna miss that energizer bunny I would become. Super Mommy is what they called me.