Mania

“You are so brave and quiet, I forget you are suffering.” -Ernest Hemingway

I’ve always been a balls to the wall person. I don’t have a grey area, I either do it as impeccable as I can or I refuse to do it at all. Being in a manic state, is when I get things  done. When I’m manic, my feelings are almost gone. I pay attention to only the moment and give my all to anything until I and only I am satisfied. When I’m manic, I have racing thoughts. I stress myself out about getting it all done because I never know when the mania will leave and my depression will invade my thoughts. I can go on almost no sleep.  I of course get irritable quickly because I run on no sleep at all. In my mind though I think I can do it all, and maybe at the moment I can, but eventually it’s like my mind betrays me. The problem with doing it all while manic, is that people think you’re thriving when in reality, it’s just a matter of time and I’ll need help. Help emotionally,  and help physically. I also am horrible at asking for help, because I feel like helping me isn’t and shouldn’t be anyone’s priority. I guess this feeling comes from the belief that we accept the love we think we deserve and for some reason I’ve got it in my head that I shouldn’t be a priority or someone worth holding on to. With medication and some therapy I hope to fully work through that. As for mania, I have the most energy when I’m manic, my feelings don’t get hurt that easily, I can be there for every single thing that my kids need me for, because I don’t need sleep. In conclusion, I know being Manic is not the best thing for a person, but I’m gonna miss that energizer bunny I would become. Super Mommy is what they called me.

AMBIVERT

Thanks for joining me!

“I’m both; introvert and extrovert. I like people but I need to be alone. I’ll go out, vibe, and meet new people but it has an expiration, because I have to recharge. If I don’t find the valuable time I need to recharge I cannot be my highest self.”-Sylvester McNutt III

Growing up, I never imagined that there was anyone else that felt the same way I did. I didn’t understand why, one minute I loved people around me like family, friends and people I loved, and want nothing to do with them, the next minute. It took me stopping (or life forcing me to stop) and look at myself and try my best to understand just who I am. In the process, I realized a few things that I now don’t let defined me but have definitely decided that  I will do all I can to live my best life, by learning to live with what my highest power has given me, and taking it as a blessing rather than a curse. I am an empath, and ambivert, living with Bipolar 1 disorder. This is my progress, what I have learned and will learn along the way. I’m far from perfect but if this will help someone and help me meet people and hear stories of others that are like me, It will be all I ask for.