Postpartum Depression I

“Mothers cannot give from a depleted source. Every mother needs emotional, mental, physical and spiritual validation, nourishment and support. When a mother is respected and well cared for, she, and her whole family, will benefit.”

I think this has been the post I’ve mostly put off. There is a lot of things that happened, that it scares me a bit to see it typed out. This was a time for me where I didn’t know how strong I could be until I had no other choice.

When my first daughter was born, I was 19. I instantly fell in love with the idea of having a little person of my own, so I wouldn’t feel so lonely. My pregnancy wasn’t planned or meant “to trap” anyone. I used every method possible to prevent from becoming pregnant, but nonetheless she came and she brightened my world. Soon after I gave birth to her, her and I  had a bit of trouble breast-feeding. I eventually started feeling as if I wasn’t worthy enough of being her Mom. She was so sweet and hardly ever gave me trouble. 2 weeks after birth she started having some respiratory problems. After fighting with every Dr. possible, we got an RSV diagnosis. My mind, being what it is, also blamed me.

Before she was born, I dealt with all my in-laws, and friends of in-laws tell everyone I knew and everyone that they knew, and basically anyone who cared to hear, that I had “trapped” my child’s father by getting pregnant with my daughter, and that my daughter was probably not even his. I think that their rumors, made me feel horrible not for myself but for my daughter because I knew that one day this would affect her. I eventually decided to work things out with her father having faith that the rumors would all just go away. I was still suffering from postpartum depression but would fill my time with as much work as I could. I eventually had a huge blow out with my mom because my parents didn’t agree with letting my daughter see her father because of all the shit they where talking and lying about. I felt like it was unfair for my daughter to be away from her father. So I was then kicked out of my parents house. I stayed with a friend for a day and then moved into my in-laws house with their father. My in-laws, eventually told us they didn’t want us there so we had to leave. I then decided to rent our own apartment with her dad. That apartment I would eventually loose. Her father was so attached to his family, that even though my daughter was his and he knew it, I wasn’t getting any support from him. I was working, going to school and coming home to my little girl just in time to watch the 11pm teletubbies. After a huge fight and her father not coming home, eventually he left. I also blamed myself. Now, I wasn’t just suffering from postpartum disorder but I also felt completely alone, but I had her, and she helped that loneliness. I decided that her and I would do it alone and we would succeed, because regardless of what her family said and thought, I knew we had a heart of gold and that, no one could touch. About 2 months after all this, I would find out that I was pregnant again with my second child, of course from my same first child’s father.

To be continued…….

To: Hailee

“Yeah I know sometimes things may not always make sense to you right now. But hey, what’d Momma always tell you? Straighten up, little soldier, stiffen up that upper lip! What you cryin’ about? You got me.